Office Neologisms

Back by popular demand. My thanks to Tom Hennigan, Jim Harris, Paul Nurmi and Greg Smith for their contributions. Updated May 2010!

Office or Business Neologisms (New Words)

Neologisms are new words. Sometimes we need new words to describe new phenomena. These invented words describe the current state of business with funny definitions. Please also check out the Glossary page of Who Moved My Holy Hand Grenade? If you would like to send me a business or office term to include, please leave me a comment on The Business Realist. I will give you attribution, of course.

Critical business unctions -

those mandatory and meaningless utterances at all business gatherings like “do less with more,” “think of it as a development opportunity,” and “work smarter, not harder”

Mushing the envelope -

1. Setting your stretch goals to be easily achievable 2. Pretending that ordinary operations are extraordinary

Meeting vacilitator -

A meeting leader who constantly changes direction, ensures that every opposing opinion is thoroughly hashed out, and generally, can’t make a decision

Thought bleeder -

that person recognized for his creativity who has stolen all the best ideas from his colleagues

Kraizen -

a mad obsession with implementing improvement programs

Corporate wishin’ statement –

because you know you’ll never achieve it

The yearning organization –

1. an organization that constantly strives to become profitable by rolling out the latest management training programs 2. is always looking to the next management fad to finally realize a profitable business model

Corporate inertiatives –

self-explanatory

Clobboration –

achieving consensus through the use of force

Inunvate –

to overload with innovation initiatives

Expanse account –

unlimited budget for pet corporate initiatives

Viscous circle –

same as a vicious circle, only much, much slower

Highly beveraged resources –

pumping your work force full of caffeinated drinks so that they work longer

Demigraphics –

a half-assed job on your powerpoint presentation

Coll-aberration -

that rare instance when teams from multiple departments communicate and work together on a common goal

Iconomies of scale -

an entire company based on the ego of a famous CEO

The leaning organization -

focus on developing specific organizational capabilities such that everyone has the same skills and knowledge, thus reinforcing the existing biases of the company

New hire orientation pogrom -

the mandatory, multi-day training boot-camp that weeds out new employees who won’t fit the corporate culture

Downseizing -

the massive layoffs that occur after a hostile takeover

Eternagrating -

the unceasing process of  integrating companies after mergers and acquisitions that results in lower stock price, lost jobs, and tedious work for all involved

Bust-in-time practices –

the practice of being so short-sighted that every deadline requires a major “bust your balls” effort   related: business as usual

Secession planning -

a Senior leadership retirement strategy, whereby the Corporate Officers  plan to sell, spin, or make public the company in order to reap a huge payment that can be used for retirement,  related: retire-ease

Spinergies –

the phony cost savings numbers used to justify a merger or acquisition

Trance- ition –

the period between the announcement of the sale and the integration of the companies when employees walk around in a daze

Core compretenses –

those attributes you need to pretend to have in order to advance your career

Corporate ego-system –

the complex system of personalities whose egos you need to assuage before you can move ahead with any decision

Deportmental –

the tendency of business functions to exhibit similar behaviors, e.g., Sales - gregarious, Marketers – disorganized, Finance – detail oriented, etc.

Executive man-hedgement  -

A group of bald-headed guys who never give a straight answer

Grandular –

the core competence of being both detail-oriented and strategic at the same time

Team vynamics –

Group behavior wherein individuals at a meeting vie for dominance. Related: vialogue

Conturgency plan -

when something goes terribly wrong, frantically putting a plan of action together so that it looks like you had a contingency plan all along

Disaster discovery planning –

of assigning full-time staff to creating a slew of potential dire scenarios that involve situations no one ever imagined could happen

Precedaunt –

Knowing that everyone in this position prior to you has failed miserably

Spoculation  (alt sp Spockulation) –

Pretending that your wild gambles are based on a sound set of impartial facts and data

Blind-sighted –

Seeing only what you want to see and then being done in by something you really should have seen coming

Fact founding -

The practice of inventing new facts to fill a void in information.

Issue revolution –

the serial routing of a problem or concern to numerous parties so that it eventually ends up back with the originator

Mobservation -

The phenomenon of that occurs when one person makes an obvious statement and the mob latches onto it like it is the greatest idea ever

Problem salving –

Holding meetings, calls etc. to discuss, document, and prioritize dire issues so that everyone feels better about not addressing them 

Undue diligence –

The endless process of collecting more information in order to avoid making a decision  

Emotivate –

Using utopian visions of the future, dramatic pleas, and dire consequences to inspire an organization to change. related: hamplify

Megaphor –

Used when one metaphor just isn't enough

Multi-tedia presentation –

Using numerous ways to present boring information

Sympodium –

Supposedly a conference  to learn new trends or share best practices, but in practice, a forum for one company to gain a captive audience for its sales pitch

Vialogue –

Supposedly a discussion or dialogue between two parties, but really an attempt by both parties to browbeat the other into accepting his own point of view.

Verbi-age –

1. the effect in which listening to certain people talk ages one prematurely 2. Others’ use of jargon and slang that causes one to feel really old

Employee emcowerment –

The initiatives and training rolled out under the guise of managing change that are really meant to get employees to toe the line

Idealation –

Praising someone sycophantically for their superior creativity

Intellectual carpital –

That small clique who fancy themselves smarter than everyone else and snarkily deprecate the current management decisions

360 degree needback –

Obligatory surveys of your co-workers to assure your management that you are not Hitler reincarnated  

Annual abjective setting –

The process of developing annual goals that you know are completely unachievable

 Deventralizaton –

Cutting out the belly of the organization, usually a vital function,  in an attempt to be more competitive  

Implamentation -

The lengthy and remorseful explanation of how extenuating factors and external influences prevented one from successful execution, usually accompanied by chest beating, finger pointing and whimpering   

Implementation phrase –

The handover from the conceptual team to the execution team with the instructions of “just do it.”  

Implementation faze –

Realizing that the conceptual design cannot be executed without major rework  

Inventivize –

An attempt at devising creative incentives for employees that don’t involve money

Performance praisal –

The act of writing about your yearly accomplishments in the most glowing terms possible   

Speed-to-make-it –

The consequence of wasting time at the beginning of project, resulting in a shortened production timeline